LET’S dive straight in.
The British ambassador to America, Peter Mandlespoon, has been sacked after it emerged his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein continued long after the nonce-in-chief was convicted of child sex offences.
Crown CopyrightPeter Mandelson, pictured with Sir Keir Starmer has been sacked as the British ambassador to America over his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein[/caption]
GettyThe PM fired Mandelson after a letter showed him calling Epstein his ‘best pal’[/caption]
House Oversight CommitteeMandelson pictured in a white dressing gown laughing with Epstein[/caption]
This is extremely bad news for our adenoidal leader, the toolmaker in waiting, Sir Starmer. And here’s why.
Normally, an ambassador is chosen by the Foreign Office. But Mandlespoon was a candidate put forward by Starmer himself.
So did he know that his number one choice was best mates with a kiddy fiddler? It’s a big question.
This week he was asked in the Commons six times about this and all he could really say on the matter was that “due process was followed”.
Right. So basically he’s saying that our shadowy, secretive 007 spy people vetted Mandlespoon and did all the necessary checks on his history. Who he hung out with. What websites he visited. The lot.
That’s what you’d expect. Being the British ambassador to America is a big job and it’s important to make sure we’re not sending some clown with a coke habit and a fondness for robbing post offices at the weekend.
Right. So the checks were made, and “due process” was followed. And he got the job.
But this week, it turns out that Mandlespoon’s friendship with Epstein was long-lasting and deep and that there are many pictures of the two of them doing matey semi-dressed things on Jeff’s island of underage Lolita-ism.
So we sent, as our representative, to the most important country on Earth, a paedo apologist? So what happened? Well, as I see it, there are only three possible explanations.
Either our shadowy secretive 007 spy people are absolutely useless at their jobs and completely failed to spot the emails and pictures that have now surfaced.
Or they did know about them and for some reason didn’t tell Starmer. They kept it quiet.
Or they did tell him, and he decided it was no big deal. On the face of it, this seems extremely unlikely. But let’s examine the evidence.
Starmer appointed a housing minister who he had to sack in just over a year because she evaded tax on her second home.
GettyOur Prime Minister has an astonishing knack of employing the wrong people[/caption]
He appointed a homelessness minister who made the tenants in her flat homeless. His transport minister was exposed as a fraudster, and the anti-corruption minister was investigated for corruption.
Unholy pickle
Our Prime Minister has an astonishing knack of employing the wrong people. And now he’s given the role of Deputy Prime Minister to a man who thinks Henry VIII was succeeded on the throne by Henry VII.
It’s entirely possible then he looked at whatever the security services had found on Mandlespoon and gave him the job regardless. If he denies this, he would have two choices.
Admit “due process” wasn’t followed and that he’d lied to the House.
Or say that it was. Which would mean saying that the security services are crap at their jobs. Which would mean firing 007 as well as everyone else.
The best thing he can do really, if he wants to get out of this unholy pickle, is admit he’s a cretin.
At least that’s something we could all believe.
DRIVEN TO SAVE MONEY
AlamyWe should bring back the Invacars, specifically the turquoise AC70, that used to be given by the Government to disabled people[/caption]
RATHER charmingly, there’s a government-funded scheme in Britain which allows disabled people to lease a new car at a discount, so that they are not stuck at home.
Needless to say, it’s so popular that today, one in five new cars registered in this country are bought by Motability, the operation that runs this scheme.
One in five!
The problem is that disability used to be fairly clear cut and now it isn’t any more.
You can have a mental health disorder and, hey presto, you get a juicy taxpayer-funded discount on your new wheels.
And the cost of this to you and me? £2.8BILLION a year.
To cut this to more manageable levels, it’s been suggested that only second-hand cars are made available. And I think that’s a good idea.
My Jag’s second-hand and it’s great.
But to cut it even further, how about bringing back the Invacars that used to be given by the Government to disabled people.
I’m not talking about the fire-breathing Cobra. I’m talking about the turquoise AC70s which were a common sight on our roads until the mid-Seventies. This does provide mobility for those who genuinely struggle to get about.
But I can’t see it being terribly popular with those who’ve concocted a “mental health” issue just so they can have a shiny new Hyundai.
They’d just have to do what the rest of us do.
Buy it themselves, at full price.
LET A.I DRIVE TUBE
GettyJeremy winning a National Television Award for Clarkson’s Farm this week[/caption]
OF course, I was thrilled to win a National Television Award for Clarkson’s Farm this week.
But I was less thrilled to discover that I’d have to go and collect it, in London, when it was raining, and all the Tube train drivers were on strike.
The traffic was unimaginable.
And as I sat in the endless jam, watching my toe nails grow through the ends of my shoes, I couldn’t help wondering: Why do we even need Tube train drivers?
It’s not like they have to steer the damn thing to keep it on the rails.
They just sit there. We’ve already got trains at airports that work without drivers so why not under the streets of London.
Seriously, replace them with AI.
Because at least that won’t ever go on strike.
I FEEL A LITTLE FUNGI
GettyEvery morning, Jeremy collects eggs across the field which is carpeted with mushrooms, but it’s impossible to tell which ones are fatal[/caption]
LOVE this time of year, because every morning I toddle off across the field next to my house to collect some eggs for breakfast.
And the whole thing is literally carpeted with mushrooms.
Now, there are 15,000 different types of mushroom in the UK and you can eat all of them. But some of them only once. And that’s where things get tricky.
Because it’s nigh on impossible to tell which ones are fatal and which ones are not.
So I just chuck them all in a pan at lunchtime and play Russian roulette.
So far so goo . . .
ST GEORGE FURY
A BUNCH of scallywags in Wakefield decided that to demonstrate their love for Britain, they’d go out at night and festoon the mini roundabout near their home with the red cross of St George.
And almost immediately the local council responded by sending a team of men with some turps and brushes to remove their handiwork.
Town hall chiefs said: “This is not about being unpatriotic. It’s about making sure our roads are safe.”
Really? Because if that’s really your priority, why not go and fix some potholes?
GIVE ROYALS A REST, PAUL
Someone needs to tell Paul Burrell to be quietRex Features
Getty Images – GettyBurrell was Princess Diana’s butler for about a minute a long time ago and he’s milking the moment[/caption]
CAN someone please tell Paul Burrell to be quiet.
He was Princess Diana’s butler for about a minute a long time ago and he’s milked the moment until the udder of human kindness looks like the underside of a Moroccan goat.
But something has to fund his lifestyle, so now he’s suddenly remembering all sorts of new stuff, like how he once found Prince Charles on the floor covered in salad cream.
And precisely what Charles said to Diana after Harry was born. What? You were in the delivery room, were you?
He was even there apparently when the Queen was told she was dying.
To which I have to say this: No you weren’t.
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