APPARENTLY, our war planes have been dropping bombs on the Houthis in Yemen again.
And that does cause me to ask a question: Why?
APOur war planes have been dropping bombs on the Houthis in Yemen again[/caption]
GettyInstead of using missiles, why don’t we carpet bomb these Middle Eastern hotspots with Chevrolet Corvettes – it could be cheaper and wouldn’t spark revenge attacks[/caption]
If there were two families on your street having a row about the border fence in their back garden, you wouldn’t get involved.
And you definitely wouldn’t get involved if the notorious and unruly Yobbo family from down the road decided to side with one of the warring factions.
Even if they started throwing stones at passing cars and blocking the street with burning rubbish, you’d quietly go in the other direction, making a left into Acacia Avenue and then another into Bramham Gardens.
Sure, it would add five minutes to your commute every morning but that’s no biggie, really.
What Britain has decided to do in Yemen, though, is pull on a pair of Begby trousers, march over to the Yobbos’ house and lob a brick through the window.
Which brings me back to my original question: Why?
Because if one of our missiles kills a man in Yemen, his brother is not going to turn round and say: “OK. Fair enough. You win. I shall become a Christian and immediately get an office job in human resources.”
I’m not a bleeding heart, sandalista pacifist by heart.
It was important we stopped Hitler and the Argies, and we had to liberate Kuwait.
But since then it’s all gone a bit potty.
We invaded Afghanistan because some Saudi Arabians had flown planes into various American landmarks and, after the loss of countless lives, we came home again having achieved absolutely nothing.
Definition of madness
It’s the same story with Libya. And Syria. And Iraq.
We go into these places, all full of righteous indignation, and after we’ve bombed the crap out of everything we come home, leaving nothing in our wake but a power vacuum and a ton of anti-Western resentment.
And now we are at it again in Yemen.
It’s the definition of madness.
Doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result.
We need a new strategy and I think I have one.
Instead of using missiles and bullets, why don’t we carpet-bomb these Middle Eastern hotspots with Chevrolet Corvettes.
Let me give you the maths.
The cost of the war in Afghanistan alone was $2trillion.
Which is enough to buy 20million Corvettes.
That’s one for every adult in the entire country.
And here’s the thing.
If Mr Taliban is given a brand new sports car by Uncle Sam and Mr Sunak, he’s going to feel less well disposed to the idea of blowing himself up in a shopping centre.
Why would he? He’s got a Corvette, and who doesn’t want one of those?
The Yemen campaign is much cheaper, of course.
But each of the missiles we fire costs £30,000.
And it’s estimated that between us and America, 2,000 have been used so far. So that’s £60million.
Or to put it another way, 324 Aston Martin DB12s.
Of course, rather than giving cars to people who are annoying, there is another solution.
We draw the curtains, pretend to be out and leave them to it.
Because even if the Houthis do manage to shut down the Red Sea, how does that impact on us, really?
About as much as a hedge dispute at the other end of your street.
It’s just a game. No, seriously, it is
GettyFootball is a sport…[/caption]
GettyCricket is a sport…[/caption]
Whereas snooker is a game – which may explain why Ronnie O’Sullivan has not bagged the BBC’s Sports Personality of the YearGetty
IT seems Ronnie O’Sullivan is demolishing all comers in the world of snooker at the moment, and some are wondering why he has never been the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year.
Well, apart from the obvious answer, I suspect the real reason is that – and I’m ducking when I write this – snooker isn’t a sport. It’s a game.
My rule on the matter is that a sport requires specialist clothing.
Pads in cricket.
Fireproof overalls in motor racing.
Studded shoes in football, and so on.
If you can do something at a world-class level in jeans and a T-shirt, like snooker and darts and Boggle, then it’s a game.
That’s wind speed
GettyHaving flown across the Atlantic this week, I now have a pretty good idea of what it would be like to be trapped in a tumble dryer[/caption]
EVER wondered what it would be like to be trapped inside a tumble dryer?
Me neither, but having flown across the Atlantic this week, I now have a pretty good idea.
Shortly after take-off we ran into the back end of Storm Joyce, or whatever it was called, and the turbulence was so bad my stomach was sometimes in my feet and my nostrils swapped places.
And it went on for hours.
To make matters worse, all cabin crew like to turn up the heating so the passengers fall asleep and stop bothering them for drinks.
But sleep isn’t possible when your liver is in your head and your tonsils have come off.
So I was being shaken to death while being cooked.
The only good news is that the wind was so strong, the eight-hour flight was over in just six.
I haven’t crossed the Pond so fast since Concorde stopped flying.
Russia invade? No fear
INTERESTING noises are being made about the need for Britain to have a reserve of 500,000 conscript soldiers who could be deployed if the regular Army were to be wiped out by a Russian invasion.
Right. I see. And these soldiers would be given what in the way of weaponry?
Do we have half a million guns lying around?
Or would they be expected to go into battle armed only with bad language and some rude gestures?
I think that rather than talk about a reintroduction of National Service, it’d probably be more sensible to assess the likelihood of Russia invading.
Because before they got to the notoriously tricky English Channel, they’d have to conquer Poland, Germany, Belgium, Holland and France.
Which, given that they can’t even beat Ukraine, does seem unlikely.
What is okay then, Chris?
Chris Whitty really should stop telling us what we can’t do and tell us what we canGetty
CHRIS WHITTY, the funny-looking man who came on the television every night during Covid and said “next slide” a lot, has had a busy week.
He told us to stop catching gonorrhoea, which is probably fair enough – but then our beloved Chief Medical Officer went on to say that our wood-burning stoves are doing something terrible to the sky.
That’s as may be, Whitty me ol’ fruit, but what would you suggest we do in the middle of winter?
We’ve been told that coal is a complete no-no and that it would be more socially responsible to burn puppies to stay warm.
So many of us switched to wood and now you say we can’t use that either.
Central heating is one answer, of course, but every time you even look at the thermostat your gas bill goes up by a million pounds.
So that option’s out as well.
I guess the message is simple, really.
Stop telling us what we can’t do and tell us what we can.
I’VE been voted a “taxi driver living legend”, which is odd, because I haven’t actually driven a taxi.
I have, however, been in the back of several and that, apparently, is good enough.
As Postman Pat only ever brings me bills and parking tickets these days, I’d rather have no post at all
LOTS of people are running around and waving their arms in the air because there have been suggestions that we should only get post three times a week.
I’d go further, though.
As Postman Pat only ever brings me bills and parking tickets these days, I’d rather have no post at all.
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