CAN you imagine what would have happened if Neville Chamberlain – our Prime Minister when Germany invaded Poland – had announced Britain was in grave danger and, as a result, would increase funding for the Armed Forces and therefore be ready to do “war fighting” by 1975.
Or maybe a bit later.
GettyThe biggest problem we have is Keir Starmer himself, because he is very possibly the least war-like leader the world has ever seen[/caption]
Hitler would have just laughed at him.
But that’s exactly what happened this week when Sir Starmer announced that because of Russia’s expansionist tendencies, he was going to totally overhaul our Armed Forces so we’d be ready to fight, and fight hard by, er, some point in the future.
He would build 12 new nuclear subs, and a wave of new fighter-bombers that could rain atomic death on our enemies.
And in addition, our fighting men and women, and all those who are neither, would be trained to become ten times more effective and lethal.
According to Starmer, we’d go from a country that can’t even stop a rubber dinghy reaching the shores of Kent to a country that would shake fear into the entire Russian naval machine.
It all sounds a bit preposterous, frankly, because first of all, where’s the money coming from?
He’s already spent what little he had on train drivers, junior doctors and solar parks.
So how can he suddenly afford 12 new submarines and a murder of fighter jets so complex they haven’t even been invented yet.
And who’s he going to get to operate all this new kit, and run around in the muddy trenches, shooting at Ivan?
Back in the Thirties, everyone in the country knew their duty.
Not any more. Everyone’s too busy shoplifting or choosing a gender or glueing themselves to the road.
There’s another issue too. As we have seen in the Ukraine war, an entire squadron of bombers can now be destroyed by someone with a lorry and a few drones, made from stuff you can buy for a tenner at Dixons.
But by far the biggest problem we have is Keir Starmer himself, because he is very possibly the least war-like leader the world has ever seen.
He is a stick of celery in a crap suit.
Putin ran the KGB. So at one point he will definitely have used his thumbs to push a man’s eyes into his brain.
Starmer hasn’t done that. Starmer is a human rights lawyer.
If the balloon went up, he’d be on the side of a trans person who refused to fight until gender-neutral lavatories were provided on the battlefield.
GettyIf Keir is in the hot seat for four more years, that scares me more than Putin does[/caption]
He can make as many “war fighting” speeches as he likes but we know he doesn’t even understand what he’s on about.
He’s just making noises to try to make himself look tough. But he isn’t tough. He’s as frightening as Will from The Inbetweeners.
You’d only have to snap his spectacles and he’d give in immediately.
And he’s in the hot seat for four more years. That scares me more than Putin does.
RIGHT OFF THE MARK
THE BBC told us this week that because Geert Wilders, the far-right leader of a party in the Netherlands, had left the ruling coalition, the government was in disarray.
I’m always confused by the Beeb’s idea of “far right” because I’ve looked into the man and he’s a long way from Hitler.
He just wants a firm stance on immigration and an end to what he calls the “Muslimification” of his country.
In short, he’s about as far to the right as Starmer is to the left.
So how come the BBC never refers to our Prime Minister as “far left”?
Out of the Goop for 40 years
AmazonJeremy’s heart problems play out in the last two episodes of Clarkson’s Farm[/caption]
Instagram/gwynethpaltrowJeremy believes stress caused the issue – and 40 years of living the opposite of Gwyneth Paltrow’s life[/caption]
AS you probably heard, I had a bit of a problem with my heart last autumn.
And if you want to know what caused it, have a look at the last two episodes of Clarkson’s Farm, which are out now.
There’s no doubt in my mind that the unbelievable stress of opening a pub while trying to do the harvest caused the issue.
Well, that and 40 years of living a life that in no way mirrored Gwyneth Paltrow’s.
YO-YO GRETA
HOW will the planet manage now Greta Thunberg has decided the plight of Palestine is more important than global warming?
And what will they do in Gaza when Greta changes her mind again and decides that actually, the world’s pronoun enthusiasts need her unwavering support?
It’s like she’s a Marvel hero starring in some kind of weird left-wing multiverse movie.
Game over, kids
OBVIOUSLY, when I die, my farm will be confiscated by the Government so they can smother it with solar panels and sustainable houses for hard-working families in the immigrant community.
Until then, however, it’s mine, which is why I spent a chunk of the week clearing a stream, removing undergrowth and various trees that have fallen over so my grandkids are able to spend their afternoons in it, sploshing about, playing Pooh sticks and building dams.
I may have been wasting my time though because a survey by the NSPCC has found that today, many children prefer to sit at home, on their iPads, all by themselves. Only a quarter regularly play with another child.
This is a worry because a child that’s spent its formative years shooting aliens in the face and watching mindless American cartoons is going to have no understanding of how to behave in society.
They’re going to meet people they don’t like, and hear things they find offensive, and they’re going to fall over occasionally and graze their knees. And they will have no idea how to cope.
So they’ll become intolerant and bitter and angry, lashing out at every little thing.
And pretty soon, we’ll end up, er… pretty much where we are now.
With an entire generation of young adults who learned everything they know from sitting in their bedrooms. And think they can be excused from any responsibility by simply dreaming up an acronym for whatever they think is wrong with them.
Greed for speed
A SPEED camera on Ringwood Road in Bournemouth was activated only 55 times in the whole of 2021. And just 32 times in 2022.
It was therefore not generating very much money.
But then someone decided this could be solved by simply lowering the speed limit from 40mph to 30.
And, hey presto, it’s worked because last year it went off 11,594 times and has flashed 3,054 times so far this year. Kerching.
Local residents can expect a 20mph very soon, I should imagine.
AMAZING news from the auction houses. This week two flags that were flown during the actual Battle of Trafalgar came up for sale. One is expected to fetch £800,000. And the other £450,000.
Hmmm. I’m no businessman and I’m terrible at maths.
But if I wanted a flag from this particular battle, I’d probably go for the cheaper one.
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