THOMAS TUCHEL has been England manager for two days now and we are still no nearer to winning the World Cup.
Guess that’s what happens when you put a German in charge.
APThomas Tuchel says ‘small details’ can make England World Cup winners[/caption]
APPredecessor Gareth Southgate made it cool to back the Three Lions[/caption]
Silly as that sounds, there can be no underestimating the pressure placed upon the first of our ‘cousins’ from across the North Sea to be given the top job in English football — assuming it is still considered that.
It doesn’t help that Tuchel’s predecessor Gareth Southgate, the waistcoated epitome of genteel English stoicism, was handed a knighthood precisely 24 hours before the German officially completed his historic move on New Year’s Day.
There’s a lot for Tuchel to sort out as he embarks on an 18-month mission to find the “small details” he believes stand in the way of a second World Cup triumph to add to that of 1966.
On the pitch, he inherits a squad in good shape, with promotion back to the top level of the Nations League and a squad well balanced with experience and youthful vigour.
Off the pitch, the appointment of Tuchel is an opportunity for England as a fanbase and as a country to show what a forward-thinking lot we can be.
The competitive relationship between us and Germany runs deep. From wars to sport, as far down to who brews the best beer and who can drink more of it.
In terms of football, the rivalry is rather one-sided. Three World Cups for Germany in its various forms since we won our only one during the Cold War, 59 years ago.
They have three Euro titles compared to our two losing appearances in the final.
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You can argue that armed conflict has gone our way — but 2025 is the 80th anniversary since the end of World War Two.
An altogether more serious coming together than two groups of men in shorts chasing a ball, but it is fast fading from living memory.
Even so, there remains a small but pathetic insular knot among the England fans that revel in looking backwards and reminding the Germans about the experiences of their bomber crews with the RAF, or questioning every other nation about what they were doing when war broke out.
With a good-humoured Bavarian running the national team, it will be embarrassing if either of those songs break out at a match.
Thankfully, we have been handed such a dreary World Cup qualifying group comprising Serbia, Albania, Latvia and Andorra that they are unlikely to do so.
However, the sight of Tuchel starting to pop up at Premier League games to study his players — and those who want to be his players — is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to put that archaic way of thinking aside permanently.
Great strides have been made weeding out the more aggressive right-wing ‘patriotism’ among England’s vast level of support.
Southgate failed to win a trophy but part of the reason he has been honoured as a Sir must be his achievement in making it cool to follow the Three Lions again.
Tuchel will take things in a different direction but what a moment for England to show, in sport at least, this country is a true meritocracy.
As usual, it’s been all about us and how we feel employing a German as head of the national men’s football team.
It would be hugely insightful to find out how the folks back home in Krumbach have reacted to Tuchel taking the Wembley gig through to next summer’s World Cup finals.
If they are upset, dismissive or derogatory at the thought of a German managing England, it’s all the better for us to embrace him as one of our own.
Chopper this out of the game
WHEN West Ham keeper Lukasz Fabianski clattered to the ground following a hefty collision with Southampton defender Nathan Wood, he lay completely still.
Chelsea’s legendary hardman Ron Harris once informed me in blunt tones that you know when a player is seriously hurt because they lie completely still.
He should know.
What Chopper would make of the antics of some of Chelsea’s modern-day divas would be fascinating to learn.
X @FulhamFCPedro Neto reacted theatrically after Alex Iwobi breezed past him[/caption]
Pedro Neto and Marc Cucurella have tarnished the name of all victims of serious injury everywhere with their play-acting.
First, Cucurella ran into the shoulder of Brentford’s Vitaly Janelt to con referee Peter Bankes into giving Chelsea a free-kick after rolling around on the deck in mock agony.
Even more ludicrous, Neto launched himself at the passing figure of Fulham’s Alex Iwobi, bounced off, then performed an impressive ‘caterpillar’ breakdance move whilst horizontal, clutching his face and even looking up to see if ref Sam Barrott had noticed.
Chelsea have a fabulous team of footballers and a genuinely nice manager in Enzo Maresca.
They don’t need to resort to these antics.
They are embarrassing their head coach and taking the shine off the great work he is doing.
Mind you, he could easily stamp it out, literally.
Get Chopper down the training ground and, even at 80, he could demonstrate the art of genuinely tough tackling. The diving would soon stop.
Mat rap is so soft
IF you strike a member of the emergency services, you risk two years inside and an unlimited fine. And rightly so.
Certain groups need the full force of the law to protect them from rioters, thugs, idiots — call them what you will — thinking they can behave as they please.
Sky SportsMatheus Cunha was suspended for two games and fined £80,000[/caption]
With this in mind, we turn to Matheus Cunha of Wolves who is banned for just two games after assaulting an Ipswich security guard.
The Brazilian grabbed the man by the neck, then ripped his glasses off when Wolves lost to Town last month.
It wasn’t the worst case of violence you’ll ever witness.
But when pumped-up, superfit footballers go for ordinary staff members, that crosses a line.
It should be a minimum six-game ban if you even lay hands on one in an aggressive manner.
That’s what you get for spitting and this is just as distasteful.
Worth 2 Bob
TAMWORTH have taken a fair amount of stick for charging up to £42 for a ticket to see them play Tottenham in the FA Cup third round.
It’s £38 to stand on the terraces.
Some say the National League club needs to up the prices to provide revenue for growth.
Others label it a rip-off. Both are valid points.
The real argument should be regarding the pricing policy given the level of opposition.
Tottenham, 11th in the Prem, are one of the most expensive teams in the country to watch but in their current tizzy, many fans wouldn’t give you two bob for their team.
Fitting tribute
THANKS to West Ham, who included a photo of my late brother on their big screen among other fans who passed away in 2024, before the game against Liverpool.
John was a devoted and frustrated Hammer. We are still shocked by his death last July.
Even the 5-0 rout that followed seemed appropriate given his fitful relationship with our family’s club for almost 61 years. He would approve.
Let’s transfer the initiative
THE transfer window is open and leading clubs like Manchester City, Man United, Arsenal and Chelsea are linked with all and sundry.
But there is such a quirky look to the table with Nottingham Forest, Bournemouth, Fulham and Brighton in the top ten — and long may it stay this way.
Let’s call the whole January window off to see how the ‘top’ managers get on when they can’t spend their way out of bother.
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