AFTER the first series of Clarkson’s Farm aired, I went for lunch with a farmer friend who said: “If you want a storyline for the next series, try getting planning permission for something.”
I was a bit puzzled and asked what he meant by “something”.
“Anything,” he replied. “It doesn’t matter. Because I guarantee you’ll be turned down.”
Opening a farm restaurant was unexpectedly difficult due to council rules and red tapeFree for editorial use
The application was for a small farm restaurant, not raucous Studio 54Getty – Contributor
He went on to explain that farmers were about to lose their EU grants and subsidies and were being told by the Government to make up for the shortfall by diversifying. Turning their barns into gyms or shops. That sort of thing.
“But if a farmer tries to do that, his local council will say no,” he said.
Oh, how right he was. I came home and asked for planning permission to turn a building that was already there into a restaurant.
A restaurant that would serve the beef, lamb, beer and potatoes that we grow on the farm.
And it was like I’d asked for permission to build Studio 54.
As my farming friend had predicted, the council went berserk and did everything in its power to stop me.
And it wasn’t just the restaurant, either. They even turned their guns on my little farm shop, firing so many heavy salvoes that, even today, I’m not allowed to sell my own farming books in there.
Eventually, I’d had enough and went to see the man in charge of Britain’s planning rules at the time, Michael Gove.
I knew him a bit and just wanted a chat so I could let him know that local councils were treading on the hose.
It turned out to be more than a chat. At the meeting, there was the deeply impressive Kemi Badenoch and a number of Government wonks who listened to my half-formed thoughts and were polite.
But when I left, I figured that absolutely nothing would happen. Because nothing ever does.
Talking to the Government is like talking to a mountain.
However, it turns out that someone in that meeting was not just listening but sympathising because, now, the Prime Minister himself has announced he will cut red tape so that farmers can open farm shops and sports facilities much more easily.
He needs to move quickly, though, because soon he will be gone.
And in his place we will have a tribe of barely coherent weird beards who think the countryside should be one big open space for the cagouley Kumbaya brigade and that instead of buying locally grown food in locally run shops, we should import all the avocadoes and quinoa we need from South America and sell them at artisanal health food outlets in Islington.
Plot won’t fox us
Labour’s plan to clamp own on fox hunting appeared conveniently timedGetty
I WAS joking only the other day that back in the days of Tony Blair, the Labour Party used to bring up the idea of banning fox hunting whenever there was some unpalatable news they wanted to bury.
And blow me down with a feather. No sooner had we heard anti-Semitism is still rife in the Labour rank and file than the Shadow Environment Secretary stands up and says that if Labour are elected . . . they will, er, ban fox hunting. Again.
Presumably, after that, they’ll ban the dunking of witches, cattle rustling and drink driving.
Break crime cycle
WE were told this week that violent gangs of thieves in London are now targeting cyclists.
Pushing them off their bikes and then pedalling away. This struck me as odd.
I can see why they would want to steal a watch or a phone because these are expensive items. But why nick a bicycle?
So I did some research, and it seems that one of the bikes that’s been nicked is something called a Pinarello which sells, new, for £15,000.
The best way of making sure your bike isn’t nicked is this: Don’t have one
Jeremy Clarkson
Fifteen grand for a bike? How is that even possible?
I appreciate you can spend £300,000 on a car but at least it will be faster and better looking than something which costs £30,000.
But a bike is only ever going to be as fast as the rider’s legs will go.
And bikes are like milk bottles. They all look exactly the same.
No matter, cyclists are very cross – cyclists are always cross about something or other in my experience – and have called for more policemen and policemenwomen to patrol the streets.
Why? So they can stand there with their hands in the pockets as the thieves pedal away.
Same as they do when they are confronted with some pink-haired herbert who’s glued himself to the road.
The best way of making sure your bike isn’t nicked is this: Don’t have one.
Sue good I just can’t help myself
If you follow the American trend of suing for frivolous reasons you could compile a long listAlamy
AN American person is suing the owner of various matchmaking apps, saying they are designed to be addictive to boost profits.
Right. And if he’s successful, I’m going to sue Cadbury for making its Fruit & Nut bar so moreish that I am never satisfied with one chunk.
I absolutely have to have another. And then ten more. And then I shall sue Branston Pickle.
And then I’m going to turn my attention to Guy Ritchie, because every time I sit down to watch something on television, I always say: “It’s been a week, so I think I’ll watch The Gentlemen again.”
OH no. It really is true. Just days after calling in the administrators, Body Shop has started to shut its branches across the country.
So where am I going to get my satsuma body butter now? And my carrot moisturiser? And my tea tree oil?
I guess I’ll have to go back to the olden days of using soap and water and accepting the fact that old people are supposed to look like scrotums.
I don’t expect a rush for Dacia’s new fully electric vehicle
LITERALLY no one was running around and shrieking with glee at the news that Dacia, the Romanian car maker, is poised to launch a fully electric car with a price tag of just £16,000.
Fitted with a motor much more powerful than the one you find in a Magimix, it has a range of several hundred yards, and it is £10,000 less than the next cheapest rival, the Chinese MG4.
Yes, but it is £16,000 more expensive than walking. Which is probably the best alternative.
Taking a dim view
EARLIER this week we read about a driving instructor who had to be rescued from his flooded car by two passers-by, because firefighters and ambulance drivers at the scene aren’t allowed into water that’s more than waist deep.
Naturally, there was an awful brouhaha and everyone said it was yet another example of health and safety gone mad.
A trapped driving instructor had to be rescued from a flooded fordStephen Huntley
Hmmm. I’m not so sure, because I’ve seen the actual footage and I have a bigger question.
What kind of driving instructor pootles merrily into a flood?
He told his “rescuers” he daren’t get out because he’d sink. Not noticing perhaps that the rescuers weren’t sinking and nor was his 1.5-ton car.
Eventually he was enticed out into the crotch-deep water and once he’d strolled to dry land, he was taken to hospital where he was diagnosed as “having soggy trousers”.
So, yes, this is an example of stupid health and safety rules but it’s also a reminder some people really are dim.
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