ALL week, the permanently angry women of Instagram have been filling their social media channels with spittle-flecked rage about Christian Horner.
“How come,” they wailed, “he got away scot-free after sexting a colleague, but has now been fired because Red Bull isn’t winning as much as it used to?”
GettyChristian Horner has been sacked by Red Bull after two decades in charge[/caption]
Couple of things on that argument. Number one. After those texts were leaked, Red Bull had two inquiries. Horner was grilled for hours.
And it was decided that he had no case to answer. So he couldn’t very well be sacked for an offence he hadn’t committed.
And number two, we don’t actually know why he was fired. Yes, it’s possible his bosses showed him the door because the team wasn’t performing.
But that would be like sacking Alex Ferguson back in the day because United had lost one match against Chelsea. The fact is that Horner took Red Bull from absolutely nothing to a team that won six constructor’s championships, eight drivers’ championships and 124 race wins.
Its number one driver, Max Verstappen, was world champion only last year. And now they’ve sacked the boss.
I’m not going to speculate here on why it’s happened because, unlike the women of Instagram and all the other armchair pundits, I simply do not know.
I spent a bit of time with Christian at the Grand Prix on Sunday. And it was plain he had no inkling at all that the bullet was coming.
He was with his 11-year-old daughter, Olivia, whose mother had just died of eye cancer. And we mostly talked about that and how the poor little mite was coping.
Upping sticks
I suppose one upside of his sacking is that her dad will be around a lot more. Or will he?
I sent him a text after the news of his dismissal broke, pointing out that I’ve been in his shoes in the past.
I explained that when you wake the following morning, it’s easy to think, “Well, that’s that, then”.
But in my case, that wasn’t that. I hadn’t trodden on a snake. I’d trodden on a ladder. And I bet he does, too.
But where? The clever money is saying he’ll go to Alpine. But next year they will have Mercedes engines. Which means Christian would have to work with Silver Arrows boss Toto Wolff.
And as those two really don’t get on, I can’t see that happening.
Ferrari? Possibly, but that would mean upping sticks and moving to Italy. And dealing with Sir Hamilton.
Audi is coming into the sport next year, and Cadillac. And there’s talk the Chinese are making F1 noises.
And all of them would jump at the chance of getting Horner.
GettyGeri and Christian Horner on the red carpet[/caption]
The thing is, though, that as I proved after the Beeb let me go, you don’t necessarily have to do what you were doing before.
I became a farmer.
So on that basis, Christian Horner might re-emerge in a couple of years as an astronaut, or in an ice-cream van or as a Foreign Secretary.
And Red Bull?
Well, look what happened to Man United when Ferguson was no longer at the helm.
On that basis, this once-great team may well end up, in a couple of years, in Formula 4.
I’VE always maintained that home is where your friends are.
But the problem I have is that because of Rachel Reeves and her incessant drive to raise taxes, quite a few of my friends now live abroad.
A.I. WAR SOUNDS ABSURD
A.I. is coming.
It will steal your work and take your jobs and eat your children, and soon Skynet will become self- aware and the machines will declare war on humanity and fleets of robots will declare marshal law.
Should we be worried?
Well, as I watched the new A.I. line judge at Wimbledon making random noises this week I thought, maybe not.
EAR, EAR! CHIMPS ARE APING STYLE TREND
Jake Brooker/Chimfunshi Wildlife Orphanage TrustA colony of chimps discovered the concept of fashion, experts found[/caption]
AMAZING news from a colony of chimps in Zambia. One day, one of them started walking around with a twig shoved into its ear. And now they’re all at it.
Experts who monitor the chimps say there is no functional benefit and have concluded that they’ve simply discovered the concept of fashion.
I think I understand what’s happened here. These chimps live in captivity, which means they are fed and watered and don’t really have to work or fight to survive.
They’ve become mollycoddled, which means they have to think up new ways to entertain themselves. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they now all get tramp stamps.
After that, they’ll identify as buffaloes and take to the streets with Palestinian flags, where they’ll sing songs about the river and the sea.
That’s what happens when you’re comfortable and bored.
SIR STARMER has announced he will not be giving in to the doctors who are threatening strike action.
Which means, for an absolute certainty, he will.
He needs those doctors at their desks because who else can sign all the sick notes for the army of layabouts who won’t go to work?
CHINOS? THEY’RE PANTS!
EVERY year, I go into the Levi’s shop on Regent Street in London, point at the label on the back of my jeans and ask for three more pairs.
This year, though, there was a disaster. They no longer make a boot cut 527 in lightweight denim. So I’m stumped.
I have been wearing Levi’s since I was ten years old. They once asked me to stop because I was giving the brand a “dad jean” vibe.
But I ignored them and soldiered on, left.
Now I can’t, and I genuinely don’t know what to do.
Someone suggested I could maybe buy another brand, but noooo.
That’d be like switching football teams.
Someone else said that maybe the time had come to wear another sort of trouser. Chinos, perhaps.
But I’d rather eat my own head.
Chinos are for Americans and golfers.
And anyway, to find an alternative would mean going into a shop and trying them on. Which, as all men know, is the worst thing in the world.
So there we are. Season 5 of Clarkson’s Farm. Hosted by Jeremy Clarkson in his underpants.
Good job I’m not autistic.
IT’S COO OR DYE
SWNSA bright green pigeon has become a tourist attraction in Northampton[/caption]
ALL week, TikTok enthusiasts have been flocking to Northampton in the hope they can catch a glimpse of a bright-green pigeon.
Why is it green?
Well, according to experts at the RSPCA, “it could have been sprayed or painted that way”.
“Could have?”
I’m not a pigeon expert, but I think what they mean is, “was”.
NO FAST TRACK
IT’S five years since they started building HS2 and this week its boss, Mark Wild, announced the project was a third of the way to completion.
Let me put that in perspective. In 1854, it was decided that the 117-mile railway line between London and Bristol should be changed from a 7ft broad gauge to a new gauge of 4ft 8.5in.
So how long do you suppose it took them back then to undertake this massive engineering project?
I’m afraid you’re quite wrong. They did it overnight.
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