SO, Jaguar Land Rover had to shut down its production lines this week after its systems were breached by computer hackers.
And we are told similar attacks were launched in recent months on both M&S and the Co-op.
Adrian SherrattCyber-attackers targeted Jeremy Clarkson’s pub the Farmer’s Dog and stole £27,000[/caption]
GettyM&S and Jaguar Land Rover have been the victims of similar cyber attacks[/caption]
But no one thought to mention that my pub, the Farmer’s Dog, has been hit too.
It was, though. Someone broke into our accounting system and helped themselves to £27,000.
The nation’s loonies and commies will be spoilt for choice at the next election
WHEN times are tough, I always think that a good laugh helps, which is why I sat down this week to watch the endlessly amusing Green Party announce its new leader.
They didn’t let me down.
PAZack Polanski once suggested women can use their minds to increase their breast size[/caption]
The room was full of fancy dress enthusiasts and many people whose hair was not convincingly hair coloured. One person had arrived carrying a single sunflower. Not sure why.
Anyway, they’d all had a chance to vote and soon, a man with a ponytail — naturally — invited their new leader to come to the stage.
He’s called Zack Polanski and he’s a homosexual vegan who lives in Hackney.
Of course he does.
What’s his background? Was he a marine biologist who’s worried about the plight of the coral reefs?
Or maybe an angler who knows all there is to know about the importance of Britain’s chalk streams?
Nope. He’s a hypnotherapist who once suggested women can use their minds to increase their breast size.
Anyway, we then got to the question of who’d be his deputy and, naturally, they’d decided no one person could be expected to handle such a challenging role. So they’d gone for two.
One is a mad-keen supporter of Palestine, who looked like he’d borrowed his outfit from Barry in the film Four Lions, and the other was an extremely attractive lady from the African Gender Institute.
Of course she was. So, they had all the important bases covered. Veganism. African gender bias. And Gaza. And that’s great of course.
These are the issues that all my mates talk about all the time.
But what about the bunny rabbits and the woodpeckers? Because isn’t that what the Green Party was set up to do? To look after all of nature’s wonders, not sit on a stage in London and talk about nationalising the banks?
Haven’t we already got Jeremy Corbyn and his fruit-based sidekick doing that?
As I’m sure you’ve heard, he’s setting up a new party for the people who think Starmer’s Marxism isn’t left-wing enough.
GettyThe nation’s lunatics and communists are going to be seriously spoiled for choice at the next election[/caption]
GettyZack Polanski from the Green Party speaks at a climate protest[/caption]
And now we’ve got the Greens doing the exact same thing.
The nation’s lunatics and communists are going to be seriously spoiled for choice at the next election: The People’s Front of Judea, the Judean People’s Front or the Judean Popular People’s Front.
I wish all of them all the very best though, partly because it’ll be hilarious to watch the comrades trying to out-mad one another, but mostly because it means they’ll split the vote.
And none of them will win.
TIME TO PACKET IN, GRETA
WHEN Greta Thunberg popped up on the news again this week to say she was taking aid to Gaza, I looked at the little yacht she’d be using and thought, “Really? What aid exactly? A packet of Nurofen and some pilchards? There wouldn’t be space for any more than that.”
Most people, however, don’t seem to have noticed this and have focused more on her interesting new fringe.
It’s a strong look for sure, but I think there’s method in her madness.
At this time of year, the Med can be quite rough and it’s possible she will be seasick, violently and often.
That’s why she’s gone for a fringe.
Because that way, she won’t have to get her friends to hold her hair back off her face while she’s vomiting all that aid into the bog.
Green hypocrites in poll position
SWNSThe young lady who joined me on a helicopter told me she voted Green at the election – next time she’ll drive to the polling station in a Humvee to vote for Polanski[/caption]
LAST year, a young lady who’s a big fan of F1 asked if I could give her a lift to the British Grand Prix at Silverstone.
She announced when she arrived at my house that she’d voted Green in the recent General Election. And then, with no shame at all, boarded the helicopter I’d laid on.
Doubtless, next time an election comes along she’ll drive to the polling station to vote for the party’s new leader Zack Polanski . . . in a Humvee.
CHILLY TAKE ON BEERS
I’M baffled very often by young people.
And now comes the most baffling thing of them all: they’ve started to put ice cubes in their beer.
Now look. I have a brewery and, when I go there, I stand in awe and wonderment as the brewers, with their white coats and their pipettes, blend the hops and barley to create the best possible end product.
And now I’m told that 25-year-olds are putting ice in it. It’s madness.
I think the problem here is that young people have got it into their heads that water is important.
They talk about the need to “hydrate”, and never leave home without a water bottle the size of a wheelie bin in their backpack.
Give them half a chance and they’d put water on their cornflakes and on their toast.
They say they need two litres a day and scoffed recently when Times columnist Caitlin Moran said that she doubted she’d drunk two litres of water in total between the ages of five and 19.
I’m with her, though. I sometimes drank water from a hosepipe as a kid because it was a laugh.
But from a tap? Never.
Not unless it had Ribena in it or some Robinsons’ lemon barley water.
After my heart thing last year, doctors told me I had to drink gallons of water every day and I do.
But only if it has hops in it, or grapes.
The message then is clear. Water is important if you’re in a desert and you’re dying of thirst.
But at all other times, it is as pointless as eating air.
A LAV/HATE ISSUE
GettyGeorge Linehan after appearing in court charged with harassment without violence and criminal damage[/caption]
I’M aware, of course, that some people who have penises think they are women and want to use women’s lavatories.
I’m also aware that there are some women who don’t want to share their lavatories with people who have penises.
But because I live in Chipping Norton, in the Cotswolds, surrounded by people called Gerald and Kaleb, I’m never really forced to face this issue head-on, so I just let them argue among themselves.
The creator of Father Ted, however, thinks differently. Graham Linehan has talked in public, often, about the issue and as a result, he now can’t get any work, his marriage has fallen apart and his showbiz friends have deserted him. This week, he was even hauled off by five armed policemen.
And I’m baffled. There’s so much wrong with the world that I cannot understand why ladies’ lavatories would be at the top of anyone’s priorities.
It seems like such a small hill to die on.
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