HOLD the front page! This is it! The Government has at last discovered a way to sort out our illegal migrant crisis.
Sir Keir Starmer has struck a deal with the French. Yay. There will be a one-in, one-out system for illegal migrants arriving in rubber boats from France.
PAYou’re funding Starmer’s laughably pointless ‘one-in, one-out’ migrant deal – but my three-step plan WILL cut numbers[/caption]
So that’s great, isn’t it? For every migrant we send back to France, the French bung us one who has filled his forms in properly in return.
So how on Earth is that going to reduce the numbers arriving here?
By definition, it won’t. And what’s more, we’re paying for it all. The UK taxpayer will foot the bill.
And that’s because the Prime Minister has the negotiating skills of half a grapefruit.
Asked how many migrants this will see us sending back to France, the Government started looking at its shoes and humming a tune.
Off the record they will hazard at a figure. It will be somewhere in the region of 50. Yes, 50. Just to give you the full picture, an estimated 25,000 have already arrived in the UK from France this year.
So Sir Keir is proposing to send back just 0.2 per cent of the illegal migrants.
Triffic, huh.
And the deal only lasts for a year. It’s not going to act as much of a deterrent, is it? Can you imagine the migrants being told: “Well, OK, you can try to cross the Channel in that dinghy if you must. But I have to tell you, Asif, when you get to England you stand only a 94 per cent chance of being allowed to stay. Bear that in mind!”
It would be laughable were it not so utterly, mind-blowingly, pathetic.
The truth is the Government’s intention to “smash the gangs!” hasn’t worked and never was going to work. “Smash” one gang and another will pop up to take its place.
But it would be refreshing, at least, to hear Starmer and his pet Moomin, Home Secretary Yvette Cooper, admit at last that the policy was bloody stupid and has failed just as everyone predicted.
And so this is what we’ve got in its place. One-in, one-out. Brilliant. Starmer’s hokey-cokey vision of controlling migration.
The truth is that Yvette and Surkeir know full well that this is going to make not the slightest difference to the numbers arriving here from the Middle East and beyond.
It is a silly and costly performative gesture, nothing more.
The Government knows that the public is infuriated by the sheer numbers of asylum seekers arriving every day.
It is a public sick of immigration, full stop.
And the Government is losing masses of votes to Reform UK as a consequence.
ReutersSir Keir Starmer has struck a deal with the French to have a one-in, one-out system for illegal migrants arriving in rubber boats from France[/caption]
Especially in the red wall seats of the north of England. But also in Kent and Essex.
So it thought it had better do something. And this is what it came up with.
Here’s a tip, Starmer.
First, stop using hotels to house all those who come. Put them in tents somewhere cold.
Second, make it clear that EVERY asylum seeker who arrives here illegally will be automatically barred from ever getting the right to remain here.
And then send those who do come to somewhere remote and inhospitable but under British dominion, so the lawyers can’t carp.
Such as Rockall, or St Helena, or South Georgia.
But don’t hold yer breath. With this lot in charge, it will never happen.
KEIR’S NOT IN CHARGE
WE are no longer being led, as a country, by Sir Keir Starmer.
Now, you may think this is a good thing, by and large. Until you consider who is actually leading us.
Yes, it’s Richard “Plank” Burgon and his lefty mates.
The decisions which Starmer has been taking for the past three months are likely not those he would wish to make. They have been imposed upon him by the left-wingers on his backbenches.
The debacle over the recognition of Palestine, for example. And the surrender over welfare benefits. Both obvious indicators of change of regime.
And it has all happened because Sir Keir, with his majority of more than 170, has a spinal column the consistency of Butterscotch Angel Delight.
What the hell were we thinking last summer? Why did we do it? Oh Lord, forgive us for our stupid mistakes.
DANES WILL GO WILD FOR FEEDING TIME AT THE ZOO
A Danish zoo is asking for unwanted pets to feed their big cats
A ZOO in Denmark is asking for donations of “unwanted pets”.
This is so it can feed them to the big cats. They’re a bit short of raw meat, apparently. The Danes will euthanise the pets first, which I think is a bit of a disappointment.
I think feeding time could be a big draw.
“And now entering the lion enclosure is Fiver, a rabbit owned by six-year-old Inge Svenson. Let’s see how long he lasts. The record is 8.5 seconds. Can Fiver beat that?”
WRONG TO AXE SIMON
THE kinder, gentler, Left? I don’t think so.
Teacher Simon Pearson had more than 20 years’ experience but was sacked after an internal investigation found his online posts could bring Preston College into disrepute after he said the jailing of Lucy Connolly was an example of two-tier justice.
Connolly is the woman jailed for 31 months for saying horrible things about asylum seekers.
Pearson made it clear he believed Connolly’s comments were “obviously wrong”.
He just objected to the sentence – as many do. Sacked for holding an opinion which differed from that of the idiots who run the college.
CAMDEN Council is considering banning meat and fish from its various canteens. In future, all meals and snacks will be entirely “plant-based”.
So what will happen is that the entire staff will soon be hobbling around with joint deficiencies, anaemia as well as stunning the locals with gusts of fabulously bad breath.
But at least Camden is saving the polar bears and stopping the world from catching on fire. Never mind what the workers would prefer to eat – sod them!
That’s the left-wing way.
REEVES IS SO TAXING
THE worst Chancellor we have ever had is about to sting you for some more dosh.
Rachel Reeves has been backed into a corner. She knows she needs to raise money.
PARachel Reeves is now pondering a wealth tax after being stopped from cutting benefits[/caption]
But she has been stopped from cutting benefits by the idiots on the left.
So now she’s pondering a wealth tax.
That means the flood of high-achieving people leaving the country will turn into a deluge.
We’ll all feel the pinch. You’ll get stung for more if you try to sell a home, or buy one. Stung for more when paying for the nice things in life.
She’ll have you paying more for your children’s education.
Taxed if you save for a rainy day. Everything aspirational will be taxed.
HERE’S TO THE FOOTIE
I KNOW there are some good things about summer.
It’s warm from time to time, for starters. So you don’t freeze your gonads off when you’re putting the bins out. And it’s nice to sit outside with a beer.
The trouble is Saturdays. Saturdays without football are unendurable – and this weekend, at last, it’s back. My lot, Millwall, are at Norwich, where we usually get stuffed.
But we have high expectations this season.
The customary six points taken from Charlton should help us into the play-offs.
Anyway, let me wish all of your teams the very best of luck this year. Unless they’re Charlton. Or Norwich. Or Leeds, obvs.
A YOUGOV poll out this week suggests that 45 per cent of us wish for immigration to reduce to zero.
And for a substantial number of those who have come here recently to be sent back.
Those are remarkable figures. After having been lied to about immigration for year after year, the public is at last waking up and letting its views be known.
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