LOVE Island celebrates its tenth birthday this week – and I confess I watch the show.
But I’d rather be frogmarched to the nearest convent, forced to take a vow of chastity and spend the next 50 years doing Hail Marys over my Rosary beads than spend a single second in the Love Island villa.
ITVLove Island celebrates its tenth birthday this week, pictured Maura Higgins and Tom Walker[/caption]
Stewart WilliamsOriginal Love Island winner Jessica Hayes has given up on romance[/caption]
And it seems I’m not the only one.
Original Love Island winner Jessica Hayes says she was so put off by blokes that she has given up on romance and actually taken a vow of celibacy!
Holy smoke. That’s probably not the ringing endorsement ITV producers will be rolling out for their anniversary coverage.
Now, I’m not some bra-burning man hater. I promise!
I can understand why so many young, buff singletons would quite happily shove their granny under the nearest bus to get a ticket to Spain and hook up with fit blokes.
The world of dating is hard. Horrible, even.
You have to endlessly swipe through apps looking at profiles of tattoo-smothered men posing aggressively in front of the mirror in their gym, or even worse, their loo (yuck) while reeling off impossible demands they expect of any woman.
She must be a ten out of ten. She must let him hang out with his mates until 3am. She must be totally attentive to his every need. She must not be demanding.
Then comes the awkward first dates.
Meeting in a crowded pub (just in case he is not your Mr Right but actually a crazed axe murderer), sipping a gin and slim while you are asked the inevitable roll call of questions.
Where did you grow up? What do you do for a living? Do you like travelling?
Forget sparks flying, these encounters can be more boreathon than bonkathon.
Who wouldn’t prefer to hang out in a sun-drenched villa and coupling up with a perfectly chiselled gym bunny?
But a trip through Love Island’s best bits reveals that romance is the last thing you should expect in the villa.
Remember when Maura Higgins was getting ready to go to the hideaway with Tom Walker?
She overheard him boasting: “I just want to see if she’s all mouth!” as the rest of the cocky lads set about laughing.
Maura, sassy Irishwoman that she is, didn’t stand for that rubbish.
Rounding on Tom, she fumed: “Are you joking? That’s disgraceful, Tom. That’s absolutely f***ing disgusting.”
Gormless Tom was left gawping like a goldfish as he tried to claim he didn’t mean it, was just copying the lads and was really a nice chap after all.
Maura had won over the nation’s hearts with her straight talking. But she was still in the lonely hearts club herself.
Then there was poor Zara Holland, who was stripped of her Miss Great Britain title and crown after having sex with Alex Bowen on the show.
Cheeky grin
Dissolving in tears as she realised all her hard work had gone down the toilet like so many make-up-stained tissues, the rest of the girls dried her eyes, gave her hugs and told her she will move on to bigger and better things.
So what was her fella Alex doing? Staring at the ground, looking bemused and shrugging his shoulders.
He may look like an Adonis carved out of stone, but is he really husband material? And there was the time when Jordan Hames asked Anna Vakili to be his girlfriend on the show in 2019.
Flashing a cheeky grin, he said he was “so nervous” to pop the question and told how the couple had “been through so much” in the villa they could “literally get through anything”.
Apart from two more days together apparently.
Just 48 hours later he was cracking on with new girl India Reynolds, staring into her big brown eyes and telling her: “I feel like I have been gravitating towards you.”
Yeah, gravitating a bit like a dodgy Soviet rocket that has exploded in space and come crashing back down to Earth.
Anna came storming over to confront and dump him. Romeo and Juliet this ain’t.
So by all means stick the telly on, tuck into a box of Milk Tray and enjoy Love Island.
But trust me, ladies — you are much more likely to get pied than find love across the fire pit.
GAME ON! LIONESSES CAN STILL SHINE BRIGHT
The TimesLeah Williamson holds the women’s Euros trophy[/caption]
GettyLionesses celebrate after their stunning victory over Germany[/caption]
IT has been three years since our proud Lionesses won the women’s Euros – sending the nation into a footie frenzy.
The stunning victory over Germany was a defining moment in our country’s sporting history.
And it inspired a new generation of girls to grab a football and get on to the pitch.
Our reigning champs are gearing up to defend their title when the tournament kicks off in Switzerland next month.
Manager Sarina Wiegman has named her squad. And we have a brilliant chance of victory – even without Millie Bright and her love life saga.
So come on, ladies – show the blokes how it’s done and go all the way this summer.
The whole country is behind you!
BENCH BAN SO BARMY
SWNSVasil Vasilev, manager of The Trafalgar, in Greenwich, South London[/caption]
MORE grim news of bossy Britain.
A lovely pub called The Trafalgar, in Greenwich, South London, put lots of wooden benches outside so people can enjoy a pie and a pint overlooking the River Thames.
They had to – it was Covid. Politicians had made it a criminal offence to sup a beverage indoors.
But now those fun-hating pen-pushers at Labour-run Greenwich council have ordered the boozer, managed by Vasil Vasilev, to remove half its outdoor seating.
Why? The benches are packed with happy punters spending cash and boosting the local economy.
And the street is wide enough for pushchairs and wheelchairs to still get down there. I should know – I live up the road.
The landlord says that if he is forced to pull down his seating he may have to slash staff to plug the hole in his coffers.
I thought the Labour government’s number one priority is economic growth?
Maybe Chancellor Rachel Reeves should get down to South London, have a word with her comrades in the local council and tell them to lay off our pubs.
Let Brits drink beer, I say!
WALL? I WILL NAIL IT
GettySticking a few bricks back on to the front garden wall will set you back thousands[/caption]
I’M off round my mum and dad’s house this weekend. To build a wall.
Turns out sticking a few bricks back on to the front garden wall will set you back thousands and thousands if you ask a professional to do it.
So me, my sister and my mum are going to do it ourselves.
We have bought the ready-mixed cement and, more importantly, dusted off our chicest dungarees and most fetching headscarves for the task.
Who says building stuff is man’s work? I am sure we are up to the task.
I just hope I don’t break a nail.
MEG’S MIXED SIGNAL
I’M confused. Are Prince Harry and Meghan Markle private citizens who want to keep their kids away from the cameras?
Or are they fame-hungry wannabe celebs?
The once-royal couple have spent the week releasing videos and pics of their intimate family moments.
First it was a cringey video of the pair twerking in the hospital delivery room in a bid to induce the birth of Lilibet.
Then Meghan up-loaded photos from their family trip to Disneyland to celebrate their daughter’s fourth birthday. Looks like rank hypocrisy to me.
TULIP’S PARTY GAMES
PAFormer minister Tulip Siddiq is under investigation for corruption in Bangladesh[/caption]
FORMER minister Tulip Siddiq may be under investigation for corruption in Bangladesh, but that didn’t stop the Labour politician throwing herself a glitzy party to celebrate ten years of being an MP.
Lucky guests were treated to a free glass of fizz, while Tulip, handed out certificates to party volunteers who had helped her get elected.
But the event itself was all rather cloak and dagger.
The location was top secret, and guests were only told where to go hours before doors opened.
Was she worried about a knock at the door?
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