YAY! It’s the contest everybody has been waiting for. The one that will capture the imagination of the public. And change the face of the UK as we know it!
No, not the World Cup. Not Miss Universe. Much more important than that. It’s the race to become Deputy Leader of the Labour Party!
Former frontbencher Emily Thornberry, who was snubbed from Sir Keir’s top team following last year’s election
RexStella Creasy is thought to be considering a tilt to become Deputy Leader[/caption]
Other left-wingers including Rosena Allin-Khan are also thought to want the rolegetty
So far six contestants have declared themselves.
They will all be taken to a Caribbean island and set a number of difficult tasks by Stephen Mangan. Each evening one of them will be eliminated. Commentary comes from Micah Richards and Gok Wan.
Here below is the list of those desperate to win the top prize — becoming Sir Keir Starmer’s right hand . . . er . . . woman. And the luckiest person in the country!
The Rt Hon Lady Bungee Rosebush. A strong, independent, feisty woman from the left of the party.
Bungee will get votes from people in the party whose brains have been sucked out through their ears via a long straw.
Believes very strongly that the Earth is flat. Tends to start crying if she sees a St George’s flag or a Union Jack.
Clanger Britsarebaddies. A strong, independent, feisty woman from the very far left of the party.
As the only woman of colour among the competitors, she believes there should be an all-black shortlist for the job, consisting solely of herself.
She has argued strongly that the UK should give all of its wealth to countries in Africa and that whitey is horrible and shouldn’t be allowed to run anything.
Big fan of Hamas.
Julie Ferret-Botherer. A strong, independent, feisty woman from the left of the party and the north of England.
Julie was born in a hole in the road in Gateshead and raised by a family of ferrets and had no formal education.
She argues strongly that only someone who eats nothing but pies should win this contest, so as to appeal to people in the north of England.
She will win the votes of southern party members who feel guilty about northerners but secretly hate them.
Brenda Deathwatch. A strong, independent, feisty woman from the left of the party.
Former International Development Minister Anneliese DoddsGetty
Alison McGovern was being mooted by several insiders as Downing Street’s preferred candidateSupplied
Brenda believes very strongly that we should all kill ourselves if we start feeling ill. And doesn’t think we should have to go to Switzerland to do it.
She will win the votes of Labour Party members with sad, desperate lives. Quite a strong candidate, then.
Lucinda Smirk. A strong, independent, feisty woman from the left of the party. Lucinda believes that investigating Asian rape gangs is “fascist” and “racist” and “a bit like Hitler”, and that the Asian gangs should be allowed to get on with it.
Like Lady Bungee, she also believes that the earth is flat and cries whenever she sees a St George’s flag. So she may split the vote.
Alice Simper. A fairly boring woman from the very centre of the party.
Alice differs from the rest of the field in that she has an IQ that is actually measurable and has been known to come up with policies described as “actually quite sensible, really”.
She will get votes from no Labour activists whatsoever.
There you go. Who will win? My money’s on Ms Ferret-Botherer.
But in truth the race is wide open! It could be anyone’s! Isn’t it exciting!!!!!
NOW’S TIME TO ACT
Vladimir Putin sent drones into Polish airspaceAP
WE are closer to war with Russia than at just about any time since the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962.
Vladimir Putin sent loads of drones into Polish airspace. The Poles shot them down.
This was an act of war on the part of the Russians. And it must be met with a serious response by NATO countries, including us.
The least we should do is enforce a no-fly zone over northern and western Ukraine. And shoot down any Russian fighters that transgress. Risky? Sure.
But then, the more we back down in the face of Russian aggression, the riskier it becomes.
One of these days we have to bite the bullet. That day has surely arrived.
KEIR’S WISE WORDS
The country would be better off run by Peppa Pig than Starmer and David LammyReuters
AS you know, Sir Keir Starmer is not my favourite politician. Still less David Lammy.
Frankly, I think the country would be better off it was run by Peppa Pig and one of the Clangers. But let’s give credit where it is due.
The government has just refused to say that Israel is committing “genocide” against the Palestinians.
OK, that’s because Israel ISN’T committing genocide against the Palestinians.
But it would have been very easy for Starmer and Lammy to use the word.
In order to pacify all those stupid Labour backbenchers who are obsessed by Israel. Genocide is a politically charged word.
The government was absolutely right not to use it.
ED ON POWER TRIP
Ed Miliband has a dirty, stinking gas boiler in his constituency homeShutterstock Editorial
JUST how surprised were you to learn that Ed “Net Zero fairyland car powered by unicorn tears” Miliband has a dirty, stinking gas boiler in his constituency home?
Yup, he does. While he tells the rest of us to use expensive heating techniques powered by elves, he sticks to the good ol’ gas boiler.
Frankly, he couldn’t be less eco-friendly if his house was heated by boiling large chunks of polar bears.
But that’s the real world, isn’t it, Ed?
CITY CYCLISTS NEED TO GIVE US A BRAKE
GettyThe worst people in the country are London cyclists[/caption]
I HAVE been in London for a week. What an awful place it is.
And I have concluded that the worst people in the country are London cyclists.
Pretty much all of ’em. On three separate occasions I was almost mown down by the bs at pedestrian crossings.
Not a single one of them stopped as they were supposed to. They just sped by with fatuous self-righteous expressions on their faces.
Headphones clamped to their heads. Probably listening to Coldplay or something.
Next time I go out I might string some piano wire across the road.
TOM’S TRUTH BOMB
BBCYou’re going to hear a lot about Thomas Skinner in the next few months[/caption]
I FEAR you’re going to be hearing a lot about Thomas Skinner in the next few months.
That’s because the Strictly and former Apprentice star has revealed he rather likes Donald Trump. You’re not allowed to say that.
So the deranged lefties get the knives out. Some have called for Thomas, to be sacked just because he likes Trump!
There’s freedom of speech for you.
It’s all very similar to the furore which was whipped up when Rylan Clark said, in the most moderate of tones, that he had his doubts about all the asylum seekers we were letting into the country.
Ooh, the liberals went bananas. It’s OK for dipsticks like the actors Brian Cox and David Tennant to spout their ridiculous views.
But when it’s a ‘sleb’ who actually agrees with the majority view in the country, the gloves come off.
LISTEN, I’ve been scouring the newspapers for good news I can pass on to you. These are grim times. And we all need cheering up.
But there is a marked lack of stuff to be glad about in the news right now.
The gargantuan ball of gobby self-regard, actress Miriam MargolyesGetty
Still, having searched tirelessly, I’ve found one. That gargantuan ball of gobby self-regard, actress Miriam Margolyes, is to quit Britain for Italy. Yay!
Seems a bit rough on the Italians, I know. But I’ll take it. See ya, Miriam.
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