YOU might imagine that staff at the near-bankrupt fish-killing enterprise known as Thames Water would be working round the clock.
Ideally doing something about the hosepipe ban, rising bills and the torrent of sewage being pumped into the region’s rivers every day.
Adrian SherrattThames Water inspectors arrived at Jeremy’s pub to make sure he was to complying with all their regulations before he received an eight-page list of changes to make[/caption]
EPAWhy should Thames Water be interested in what Jeremy’s doing with it as he’s one of their customers[/caption]
Apparently not.
A couple of weeks ago, two Thames Water inspectors arrived at my pub, with two people from the local council, and I assumed they were there to apologise for the woeful pressure, which is so low we have to harvest water overnight and store it in a 6,000-litre tank, because during the day all we get is a dribble.
Nope. They were there to make sure I was complying with all their regulations.
That seemed odd to me. I am one of their customers. I buy water from them so why should they be interested in what I’m doing with it.
I sell beer to people, but I don’t go round to their houses to make sure they’re drinking it properly.
Anyway, they were very thorough, even doing tests on the dog bowl taps we installed in the garden.
And now I’ve received a massive eight-page list of changes they want us to make. It’s stupid, petty stuff.
Apart from one change they want making to our Rational steam ovens.
Which, according to our plumber, would be impossible.
Honestly, this is exactly the sort of corporate bullying that pubs really don’t need right now.
Menacing instruction
One hostelry is closing every single day thanks to problems with mad Net Zero taxes, food allergy enthusiasts, staff shortages and the NI issues caused by Rachel Reeves’s idiotic Budget.
And if they’re now going to be hectored by water companies to change the flow rate of their taps, there won’t be any pubs left at all.
And it’s not like we can just put the Thames Water missive in the bin because, naturally, it comes with a menacing instruction that everything must be sorted out within 21 days. Or else.
Fine. Two can play at that game so here goes: Thames Water. You have 21 days to do the following. Or else.
Upgrade the infrastructure so that you’re able to supply your customers with a decent round-the-clock supply.
Mend all the leaks in the region so the hosepipe ban can be lifted.
Stop pumping faeces into our rivers.
Undertake to cut bills to consumers by not paying your useless bosses massive bonuses.
And know this.
While you’re getting on with that, we have started work on a bore hole.
We’re digging a 120ft-deep hole in the pub’s garden so that we can pump our water from the massive underground lake down there.
Unlike most of the water round these parts, there’s no human s**t in it.
You can drink it safely with no treatment at all.
Also, we can pump it through our taps at whatever rate takes our fancy. And it’ll cost us nothing at all.
LATEST LECCY SHOCK
No one knows what electric cars are eligible for the Government’s £3,750 grant and which ones aren’t
THE Government recently announced a new scheme, which would give a £3,750 grant to anyone who bought an affordable electric car.
They said it would only cost the taxpayer £650million and I’m afraid at that point I burst out laughing.
Because I spent about ten seconds with a calculator and worked out that it would, in fact, cost billions.
Turns out I was wrong.
Because this idea was dreamed up by the Labourites, it doesn’t really work. No one knows what cars are eligible for the discount and which ones aren’t.
Yes, it may have an electric motor, but unless it was built in a factory made from leaves and kale, it doesn’t qualify.
Salesmen in showrooms are saying the paperwork is ridiculous.
It may well be then that no one can access the scheme, which means it’ll actually cost the taxpayer nothing at all.
ISLE SAY!
SO the United Nations has decided that small countries should be allowed to sue bigger countries if they are causing too much global warming.
Excellent. Because how hilarious would it be if one of those islands that only exist as an answer on Pointless sues Ed Miliband for not doing enough to save them.
Can you imagine his silly little face. He’d be crestfallen.
SEE THE LIGHT IN WALES
I WATCHED a fascinating primetime BBC1 show this week called Guardian Of The Night.
It was about the UK’s taxpayer-funded “dark sky officer” and her mission to turn off all the lights in huge chunks of Wales.
Mostly this meant addressing a room full of parish councillor types and Liberal Democrats.
Who were onside anyway.
Her arguments were certainly amazing. She said that light pollution causes cancer and diabetes. Which is bad news if you live in, I dunno, a town or a city.
But then she went on to explain that we need to be able to see the night sky so that we can spot an incoming asteroid.
Er. I think if we are relying for our survival on a man called Geoff who uses a home-made observatory in Wales, we’ve probably had it.
But don’t worry, we aren’t.
So if you are reading this in Cardiff, don’t worry. You can turn your lights on this evening.
It’ll make no difference.
PHEW! IT’S JEZ
LNPJeremy Corbyn has announced that his new far left political party doesn’t yet have a name[/caption]
JEREMY CORBYN has announced that his new far-Left political party doesn’t yet have a name.
But he says suggestions are coming in from members of the public at the rate of 500 every minute. I bet they are.
I bet they are.
I must say, however, that I wish him every success. Because he will undoubtedly split the left’s vote, thus ensuring that neither he nor that fool Starmer will win the next election.
Maybe it should be called the “Phew” party.
HOW MY GREEDY LABS COULD COST ME DEER
Alex Morton/PinPepBoffins have strapped a toy squirrel to a radio-controlled car to train guide dogs not to tear off after every rabbit they see[/caption]
Alex Morton/PinPepYou take the trainee dog for a walk and have someone ‘drive’ the car back and forth so that Rover gets used to it[/caption]
TO try to train guide dogs not to tear off after every rabbit they see, boffins have strapped a toy squirrel to a radio-controlled car.
Confused? I was too. But the idea seems sound.
You take the trainee dog for a walk and have someone “drive” the car back and forth so that, eventually, Rover gets used to it and won’t yank the blind person’s arm off as it sets off at 200mph in pursuit.
I may try it with my dogs. They’ve learned not to chase the farm animals and will even sit quietly when our little army of guinea fowl clucks its way into the garden.
But there is nothing I can do to stop them chasing deer.
I spend half my life giving it the full “Fenton” as they whizz about in a hopeless quest to catch something that’s way faster than they are.
So I shall buy a toy deer and strap it to a radio-controlled car. And see what happens.
My only worry is that they’re labradors.
So if they catch it, they’d eat the toy.
And the car as well.
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