CONGRATULATIONS, Sir Keir! The number of people arriving here in small boats from France has reached 50,000 since your magnificent government took office.
That’s something to be proud of, isn’t it? The way things are going, you might make it 100,000 by the end of the year.
AFPThe number of people arriving here in small boats from France has reached 50,000 since Keir won the election[/caption]
Smashing the gangs was the plan you announced upon taking office.
It was about as much use as howling at the moon. And although you deny it, the policy seems to have been quietly shelved.
Nor will the one-in, one-out deal work. A pilot scheme which was only ever going to deal with one in 20 of the illegal migrants.
You scrapped the Rwanda plan. That at least provided SOME deterrent.
And so, like almost every other thing you turn your hand to, you’ve made things worse and worse.
So here’s my ten-point plan to stop what seems to be an unstoppable tide. It’s not really unstoppable, if you really want to do it.
1: Let it be known that anyone arriving here illegally automatically loses their right to live in the UK, in perpetuity. Cost of this? Nil.
Deterrence effect? Very high. No place to live, no permit to work, no schooling, no health care.
2: No more hotels. As Tory leader Kemi Badenoch has suggested, house the migrants who arrive in tents.
Empty every hotel which has migrants in them, immediately. Cost of this? Rather less than the hotels, I would reckon.
3: No grants for swimming lessons, gym workouts and hair extensions. No grants for anything except a ticket home.
4: Withdraw from the European Convention on Human Rights and all other supranational jurisdiction which stops us from solving our own problems in our own ways. They are well past their sell-by dates, anyway.
5: Abolish the immigration tribunals, immediately. They are all presided over by judges who spend most of their lives advocating the causes of asylum seekers. The legal issue is clear: Arriving illegally means no entry.
6: In complex cases, where it is either not clear where the migrant comes from, or the country of origin refuses to have them back, send them for processing at a place under British jurisdiction.
Such as St Helena — a windswept island in the middle of the Atlantic. Or South Georgia. Or, for the really devious ones, Rockall.
7. For those who have already arrived and are currently going through the appeals process, let it be made clear that by arriving illegally they have automatically lost their right to stay here. Also, abolish all legal aid for those who have arrived.
PAStarmer must begin with the conviction that all who arrive illegally must go[/caption]
8: Offer those who have been here for some time £1,000 to leave the country, never to return. You could throw in some free bags of Monster Munch, and one of those neck cushions, for the flight.
9: Strike a deal with the French to allow British policemen or soldiers to puncture the boats before they leave France.
Or otherwise hole them below the waterline. It is obvious we can’t trust the French to do this.
10: Start taking things seriously, Starmer. Begin with the conviction that all who arrive illegally must go. Including those who have already arrived. And if the Left moans, so be it.
POLICE POLICY A SHAM
I SPOKE to Rob Davies a few days ago. He’s the shopkeeper from Wrexham who was visited by the police for having put up a sign describing shoplifters as “scumbags”.
He was ticked off and warned he might have offended people.
Who, shoplifters? We mustn’t offend THEM now?
Totally bizarre. And you can see where this policy is getting us.
There is now one case of shoplifting every minute in the UK.
Businesses are closing down because their losses are unsustainable.
And when a hard-working shop owner complains about it, he then gets a visit from the Old Bill.
Before the last election Sir Keir Starmer warned he was going to get tough on shoplifters. What happened, Keir?
Meanwhile the Thames Valley Police and Crime Commissioner, Matthew Barber, has said the public must help in fighting shoplifting.
Really? And risk being charged by the Old Bill for being nasty to a vulnerable person?
Boring tunes Taylor-made for kids
GettyTaylor Swift’s music is bloodless and boring – she is a consummate saleswoman[/caption]
GOT your pre-order in for the new Taylor Swift album?
Nope, me neither. But I suppose million upon million will.
Her music is bloodless and boring, written by a committee. The lyrics are naff. But she is a consummate saleswoman.
She’s already been giving teasing hints as to what’s on the new album.
It includes a cover of a George Michael song, for example. Which is, for me, another reason to stay well away from it.
Ah well, she’s what a certain section of the kids want now and I suppose I am not necessarily her target audience.
But couldn’t the kids fall in love with something a little more exciting, and dangerous, and full of adventure?
NAKED TRUTH
THE Metropolitan Police is considering prosecuting the vigilantes who stopped a bloke waving his b*****s around after he dropped his trousers and pants on the Tube in front of women and children.
A few blokes on board remonstrated with him and then, when he got aggressive, wrestled him to the ground and handed him over to an off-duty copper.
In other words, they did the right thing.
And the response of the idiots at the Met is why the public is reluctant to get itself involved when a crime takes place.
UK IN A RIGHTS MESS
GettyUS Vice President JD Vance warned that human rights in the UK are worsening[/caption]
WHEN friends make constructive criticisms, we should listen.
The US State Department has just investigated human rights in the UK – something the Vice President JD Vance has been banging on about.
It says our human rights worsened last year. And it claimed there were “credible reports of serious restrictions on freedom of expression”, as well as “crimes, violence, or threats of violence motivated by antisemitism”.
That seems to me pretty much bang on.
Over the last 15 years our freedom to express ourselves has diminished and diminished.
And that trend hastened last year with the advent of a Labour government which really hates the idea that people should express themselves freely.
CREDIT IS DUE!
THE UK has just broken a much-cherished record.
There are now, officially, eight million people claiming Universal Credit.
And well done, Sir Keir – that’s an increase of more than a million on the figure for last July.
Soon, everybody will be on Universal Credit. Sitting on their fat arses watching reruns of Deal Or No Deal.
And there will be nobody left to pay for it all.
GOOD luck to all our readers who are about to open their A-level results today.
It’s always a fun time of year, isn’t it?
But it doesn’t really matter in the end, believe me.
And here’s a bit of advice to anyone who got lower than As and Bs.
Don’t go to university. It’s not worth the bother.
Instead, get yourself an apprenticeship and learn something useful which will keep you in work.
Soon you will be earning a decent income while the debt-laden students slum it on awful courses.
High flyer? What do you take me for?
NOW I really have heard it all. A trolley dolly has just won a discrimination case against British Airways.
Jennifer Clifford said she was too scared to fly. Being up in the air in one of those planes made her kind of stressy, you see. So she shouldn’t have been given the boot.
Do you ever get the impression that, much as the Fun Boy Three suggested all those years ago, the lunatics really have taken over the asylum?
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