I HAVE been watching the Andy Carroll/Billi Mucklow split unfold over the past months and it has quietly infuriated me.
The married couple are said to have separated. He took up with another woman quicker than you could say “Offside”.
InstagramAndy Carroll and his new flame Lou Teasdale posed up a storm on social media draped all over each other; tongues down each other’s throats (yes, literally)[/caption]
GettyAndy and Billi Mucklow are said to have separated, but maybe Carroll could put in a few hours with his kids for old time’s?[/caption]
Before you knew it, Carroll and his new flame, Lou Teasdale of influencer fame, were posing up a storm on social media draped all over each other; tongues down each other’s throats (yes, literally).
Forever holidaying like love’s young dream. It’s been beach trip after festival after party. Their summer of love has been so relentless, I’m exhausted just watching them.
Meanwhile, Billi is at home with the three children she shares with Carroll and the two children he has from a previous relationship. She’s been going about her business quietly, diligently, with unwavering dignity. Choosing to put the children first.
She has understood that children need continuity, connection and a daily routine, so while their father has been gallivanting across the Mediterranean with his tongue attached to Lou Teasdale’s tonsils, she has chosen to prioritise those she loves the most.
But why is it always like this?
The mother is the one who remains at home with the children; who doesn’t rush into another relationship; who understands she needs to get her ducks in a row before embarking on a new life? Why is it that it’s so much easier for a man to just leave his family behind and go and satisfy his own needs?
Because that’s the acceptance and luxury we afford men.
We expect women to do the right thing. We expect them to stay at home and nurture the children and put domesticity before fun times.
We saw it when Sophie Turner dared to be seen out partying after her split from Joe Jonas. How dare she forget she had two young children at home, came the objections from the backbenches.
How could she be so irresponsible? Does she even remember she has kids, they cried. Poor Joe, he had been left at home holding the bairns. In a different era, Turner would likely have been burnt at the stake for “abandoning” her family.
And yet, who knows if she didn’t just deserve a night off. Maybe she was in need of some time between work and child-rearing.
But oh, no, Jonas was painted as the saviour, the hard-done-by husband and praised for being a “great dad” while she was castigated for being a terrible mother.
Injustice of expectations
I often think back to the time 25 years ago when the biological father of my second child, Bo, walked out on me when I was eight months pregnant and I recall how easy it was for him to walk away, and how the societal expectation was, and always has been, that as the mother I would remain with my child.
What if I had walked out? What then?
Social media – Refer to sourceLou and Andy’s summer of love has been so relentless, I’m exhausted just watching them[/caption]
While I ponder the injustice of the judgmental expectations placed on women, I note that the Carroll-Teasdale union is already showing cracks.
Her friends allegedly can’t stand him and his drinking ways; Carroll himself is, allegedly, irritated by the constant media attention sought by Teasdale.
The thing with passion is that it burns hot – and bright as hell. The highs are extreme but so are the lows.
Meanwhile, Billi Mucklow is at home biding her time, building stronger bonds with her children — and his children — than Carroll will ever have.
I just hope that when the time comes for her to party, let loose and book the babysitter, people show her the kindness and respect she truly deserves.
Who knows, maybe Carroll could put in a few hours with his kids for old time’s sake? Stranger things have happened.
LOVE’S YOUNG MEME
GettyLeonardo DiCaprio may be 50 but he revealed he feels like he’s 32[/caption]
GOOD old Leo. Or should I say “young” Leo?
Leonardo DiCaprio may be 50 but in a candid interview when asked how old he feels, without missing a beat, he replied, “32”.
This may explain his insatiable desire for women under 25. He wants to catch them young before they become too savvy and learn stuff.
Besides if he feels 32, then 25 presents a far more palatable age difference, right?
All this aside, it does present an interesting question. Last weekend I turned 58 which was a shock because in my head I don’t feel any older than 20-something.
I still have the ability to be ridiculous, silly and behave as if life’s slings and arrows haven’t made their mark on me.
My face and my body tell me otherwise. And I don’t know what we do about the disparity between mental and biological age.
They say you’re only as old as the man you feel. The last one I felt was 35.
’APP-Y DATING SONG
The Instagram account @lewky is the gift that keeps on givinginstagram/ewky
SOCIAL media doesn’t always bring joy but the Instagram account @lewky is the gift that keeps on giving.
This genius, Luke Holloway, turns hilarious – and disturbing – online dating conversations into songs. His posts give you an insight into this grim world in ways that will have you laughing till your trousers fall off.
One conversation, called “I Have One Daughter”, right, has become the accidental summer hit of 2025. A thick bloke asks how many kids the woman has and when she says she has one daughter, the idiot responds: “How many baby daddies do you have?”.
I just can’t stop myself singing @lewky’s song around the house.
Online dating is hell – and he fully lays bare the absolute madness of the people out there.
Warning: Some of his memes are definitely not for the faint-hearted.
TYRED OF THIS CYCLE
I ADMIRE cyclists.
I admire their firm, shapely calves and the way they’re prepared to take their lives into their own hands on the roads they are forced to share with the rest of us mere mortals in cars.
But that’s where I draw the line.
In fact, if truth be told, and with honesty as my only currency, I really, truly cannot stand them.
This might come as a shock – and it might be a real toast dropper if you’re reading this over breakfast – but not all of us live in London where there are cycle lanes and other provisions for the lycra-clad pests.
Many of us live in places where lanes are narrow, hilly and windy and where a cyclist doing about 3mph will easily add an hour to your 15-minute trip due to the lack of opportunity to overtake them.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I sit behind one or, worse still, three of them who insist on riding abreast when going anywhere locally.
With the new Highway Code rules requiring drivers to give cyclists a minimum of 1.5m (5 ft in old money) of space when overtaking, it more often than not renders me static on the roads.
Yes, yes, yes – the environment; their healthy cardiac rates and gorgeous calves.
Also, when I need to “nip” somewhere and end up using extra petrol on a longer journey – and adding further pollution to the countryside air – my road rage is off the scale.
The only solution is to get them off the roads. Completely.
Follow me for more diplomatic tips as I head for the Prime Ministership.
TOO FAT, TOO THIN – US WOMEN JUST CAN’T WIN
Instagram/@luisazissmanLuisa Zissman proudly displayed her slim and toned body with great pride in a bikini but was immediately shot down for being ‘too skinny’[/caption]
SplashNelly Furtado was attacked for looking a few sizes larger than we remembered her at a recent festival[/caption]
AND so the witch hunt goes on.
Only weeks after I was trolled for having the audacity to wear no make-up and look my age, more ’slebs are being put in their place by weak and feeble people who feel that judging a woman on her appearance is not only justified but somehow helpful.
The vast majority of these critics are, of course, men. Men with heads like thumbs and faces not even a mother could love – but the biggest insults come from women themselves.
Earlier this month, ex-Spice Girl Mel C was holidaying in a bikini and was trolled for looking too muscular and toned.
This was swiftly followed by attacks on singer Nelly Furtado, above right, who was performing at a festival daring to look a few sizes larger than we remembered her.
This week, reality star Luisa Zissman, displayed her toned body in a bikini. Immediately she was shot down for being “too skinny” and “in need of a decent meal”. She looks bloody amazing, in fact.
It’s all becoming a tad boring. I naively thought we were past these kinds of insults in 2025 – but apparently not.
I will never look 21 again. I’m wrinkly and I’m approaching 60. But it’s my mind and the beauty of my personality you should be looking at. Not my lines.
VOW RENEWALS OVERSHADOWED
POOR little rich kids.
Brooklyn Beckham and his wife of three years, Nicola Peltz, decided in their infinite wealth and extravagant wisdom to renew their wedding vows earlier this month because, I’m guessing, having lasted a whole three years they need the world to know they are, in fact, still married.
I’m not against renewing wedding vows.
I did it with my third husband some time after we had married but my justification was that it was a ceremony and holiday for the whole family in Barbados paid for by a ’sleb magazine.
But it seems that this pair need to prove to the world that they are still a strong couple.
Of course, it’s been overshadowed by the fact that Brooklyn didn’t invite his side of the family, who will love him for longer than his wife ever will.
Silly boy.
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