Girl who spent £15K on agonising bone surgery to be shorter should have read my five reasons why being tall is GREAT

WE hear often about people who go to Turkey to have their teeth ­whitened or their lips enormified or their baldness mended. And it’s all mad.

But I read this week about people who are going over there to have their legs shortened.

One girl, who felt freakish her entire life because she’s 5ft 8in, spent £15,000 on a trip to Turkey to have an operation to be made two inches smaller

Being tall is better than not being tall… at gigs, I can see what’s going on and I don’t get claustrophobic in crowds

And that’s insanity.

One girl who’s had the operation said she’d felt freakish her entire life because she’s 5ft 8in and so obviously, it was sensible to spend £15,000 on a trip to Turkey to be made two inches smaller.

The procedure sounds horrific. They cut your legs open, break your thigh bones, saw off however much you want removed and then nail the two ends back together again.

And do you then fly home? No, you do not. For three days the girl was unable to move at all and when she finally got on to the walking frame the pain was so excruciating, she fainted.

It took nine months of intensive physiotherapy and another operation to remove the metal rods that were used to help the bone fuse together before she was fully mobile.

And here’s the kicker: She says that today none of her friends and family have even noticed the two-inch change in her height.

I bet they have noticed the scars though.

And what about the muscle and the skin on her thighs? Now the bone’s shorter, they must be all bunched up, like ruched curtains.

Terrible affliction

Look, I’ve got no problem with the procedure itself. It was invented for people who were born with one leg longer than the other, or soldiers who’ve been grievously wounded on the battlefield.

But I do think that people who have the 15 grand operation for cosmetic reasons belong in a mental hospital.

If you’ve got that much spare cash lying around, give it to a dog rescue centre.

Because the truth is this: Being tall is better than not being tall.

Yes, it’s a pain on an aeroplane but at gigs, I can see what’s going on, I don’t get claustrophobic in crowds, and I can reach things on the top shelf without standing on a chair.

I also don’t have small man syndrome, which is a terrible affliction that causes the shorter gentleman to be permanently angry and bitter.

And there’s more. In America, just three per cent of the population is taller than 6ft 2in.

But if you look at all the Fortune 500 companies, the percentage of CEOs that are taller than this is 30 per cent.

So being tall also increases your chances of being rich.

I’M IN PUPPY LOVE

GettyClarkson is in charge of two adorable eight-week-old labrador puppies[/caption]

GOD alone knows how I have managed to write a column this week because I have been home alone.

And therefore in sole charge of two eight-week-old labrador puppies.

What fascinates me is that the weight of poo they produce exceeds the amount of food I am giving them.

I have come to the conclusion that somehow, they are turning the air they breathe into faeces.

And it’s the same story with their wee.

Two sips of water go in the front and 15 gallons come out of the back.

But not all at once. Oh no. That would be far too simple.

So last night, while I was trying to cook my supper, I had to down tools every 4.2 seconds to mop up a puddle or a mini mountain.

And what are they doing when they’re not urinating and defecating?

Eating my shoes mostly. Or trying to pull the curtains down. Or nibbling on an electrical flex.

I literally can’t turn my back for a second.

And here’s the thing. They are so adorable, I don’t want to.

ACCENTS OUT OF FASHION

Shutterstock EditorialCillian Murphy is moving his kids to Ireland because they’re developing posh British accents[/caption]

CILLIAN MURPHY announced this week that he’s moving his children to Ireland because they’re developing quite posh British accents.

Which he finds uncomfortable.

Hmmm. I’m not sure his plan will work though.

I understand his thinking of course.

When I was a kid growing up in Doncaster, I sounded like the love child of Sean Bean and Dickie Bird.

Then I moved to London, where I sounded like the Queen after she’d gargled on a pint of posh juice. And then I moved to Oxfordshire, where I don’t really have an accent at all. Where I lived shaped out how I sounded, and it’s easy to see why.

There was a time when children learned to speak with the same accent as their parents and their friends at school.

But today, they don’t listen to their parents, and they don’t talk to their friends.

Because they spend all day on their bloody phones. And the accent they hear constantly on social media is a sort of mish-mash.

It sounds like it was created half way between Millwall and Trinidad and it was first used, I think, by Taron Egerton in the movie Kingsman.

Now it’s everywhere.

You even hear plummy public school kids roaming around at festivals, sounding like they have just done a drug deal under a railway arch.

It’s ridiculous. And it saddens me. I used to love the idea that you could drive from London to Birmingham and the accent would change completely.

And then an hour later, in Nottingham, it would change again.

And so on and so on all the way to Scotland.

Then you get on a ferry to Northern Ireland and whoa, it’s like you’ve moved planets.

You could drive for six hours in America or Australia and when you got out of your car, people would sound exactly the same as they did when you set off.

Not here.

And in Britain, it’s not just the accent that changes.

Sometimes, there’s a whole new vocabulary. Mardy. Know what that means? Clarty? Snicket?

Like everyone from Yorkshire, I do.

No other country in the world has as many accents as we do in such a small area.

But now, people from Carlisle are starting to sound exactly the same as people from Henley on Thames.

It’s a pity.

FIRTH AMENDMENT

GettyColin Firth’s ex-wife has torn up her MBE, the actor pictured with ex wife Livia Giuggioli in 2019[/caption]

Colin Firth’s ex-wife has torn up her MBE to protest about something or other.

She says she doesn’t want it any more. Can I have it then?

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